Sunday, February 26, 2012

Book Review: Unorthodox

Unorthodox, the scandalous rejection of my Hasidic roots: a memoir by Deborah Feldman is an intimate portrayal of a young woman growing up in an environment of religious constraint and slowly freeing herself from that environment.

That is her story, on the surface. If you read it from that perspective it will enlighten and provide you with an insight into her particular religious environment and beliefs. Her personal journey will also stand as an inspiration and testament to anyone else who wishes to move out of the confines of their particular religious constraints.

However, I recognize Deborah. In my opinion, she is much more than that and her story involves much more than that, in reality. So I’m not surprised that there is some controversy over her book and challenges to it.

She is one of us. She is the rebel, the square peg who can’t fit into the round hole, the person who is never satisfied and cannot be satisfied with the status quo, whatever it is. Whether that status quo be the constraints of creed (religious or otherwise), culture, gender, etc.

Her drive to be free, that hunger for freedom runs deep and it is firmly founded in her strong natural curiosity about everything.

That is what makes Deborah different. It’s what makes me and numerous others different. People like us exist across all cultures, creeds, genders, etc. And no matter what our environment is we do not and cannot fit into the status quo of that environment.

I can’t explain why. I don’t understand it myself. I only know that we exist and that we can identify and empathize with each other. Once we understand that we can’t fit in and don’t try to fit in, we can begin the process of accepting and appreciating ourselves for who we are. When we can do that, others will accept and appreciate us for who we are. Well, at least some will.

It’s okay not to fit in.  It’s okay to be different. We can’t be any other way no matter how much humiliation and abuse is heaped on us; no matter how many constraints are placed on us in our respective environments; no matter how much we are smeared for speaking our truths.

We don’t understand the sheeple and their passive acceptance of the status quo.

We are the innovators, the artists, the creative thinkers, the one’s that can think outside of the box. We are the ethicists, the one’s who consider social injustice an outrage and we can’t be silent about it. We have a driving need to change the status quo to better our world for ourselves and those around us.

We produce what we love to produce whether we get paid to produce or not. Our lives are driven by our passions and not by personal gain. Once we accept our difference and don’t allow it to stand in the way of our self-confidence (“faith in ourselves”) personal gain almost always comes along with the ride at some point because we are good at whatever it is that we choose to do.

If we didn’t exist, society would never advance because there would be no driving force for change.

Welcome to the club, Deborah. I look forward to reading more of what you have to offer.

Owly Images

 

35 comments:

Anonymous said...

I must say I live in the Chassidic community, and we are pressured right now (Indirectly) to go all out against this book and to try to make her look bad.
The truth is that Deborah is a courageous young woman and a hero among many of us. We are fooling ourselves by denying her story, we live it, we know it and we suffer it. I would say that 90% of her memoir is something I personally related to and still am on a daily basis. I too am married with children and live in Williamsburg and am miserable. I am miserable with the control of my community, I am miserable with the way my kids are growing up in the community but I would not dare change because of the aftermath this community will do to my family.
Furthermore, I was raised in this environment and was raised with a 3rd grade level of education and I am not capable of doing much more and must endure the “Rules and Regulations” of the community.
I admire Deborah and I wish I would have the guts and courage she has. I can also tell you that hundreds of my friends admire her and are outright jealous of her.
It would be my dream to meet this woman and pick her brains

Anonymous said...

I must say I live in the Chassidic community, and we are pressured right now (Indirectly) to go all out against this book and to try to make her look bad.

The truth is that Deborah is a courageous young woman and a hero among many of us. We are fooling ourselves by denying her story, we live it, we know it and we suffer it.
I would say that 90% of her memoir is something I personally related to and still am on a daily basis. I too am married with children and live in Williamsburg and am miserable. I am miserable with the control of my community, I am miserable with the way my kids are growing up in the community but I would not dare change because of the aftermath this community will do to my family.

Furthermore, I was raised in this environment and was raised with a 3rd grade level of education and I am not capable of doing much more and must endure the “Rules and Regulations” of the community.
I admire Deborah and I wish I would have the guts and courage she has.

I can also tell you that hundreds of my friends admire her and are outright jealous of her.
It would be my dream to meet this woman and pick her brains

Kitty Hundal said...

Thank you for your comments Moshe. I'm sure Deborah will be happy to see that she's having an impact on her community.

Best wishes to you,

Kitty

Anonymous said...

Deborah Feldmans book has been proven to be full of lies.People who know the community she is desperately portraying as the Taliban say that she is full of it. People like herself who left the religious life who have no interest in defending orthodox Jews also claim that she lies over and over.
Her best defense is that people are buying the book.And that is becuase people are fascinated in reading about different lifestyles.
In some interviews she gave she says that she never went to a doctor or put on the seat belt becuase she was told that g-o-d will protect her.As if this is how children are raised in the williamsburg community.Most probably this is false and she was never told so.
Anything she writes IF it is true is only her personal story and has nothing to do with the community she bashes.

Anonymous said...

Deborah feldmans book has been proven to be full of lies.People who know the community she is desperately portraying as the Taliban say that she is full of it. People like herself who left the religious life who have no interest in defending orthodox Jews also claim that she lies over and over.
It is all her personal story which has nothing to do with community she left.
She tells how she was never taken to a doctor or how she didnt put on a seat belt becuase she was told that g-o-d will protect her. As if this is how children are raised in the hassidic community.IF its true its only her personal story with her family.Most probably its not true and for sure not true as something practiced in the community.
D Feldman is a sick sick liar.

Anonymous said...

While in person, she articulates well, and on paper, writes with a sophisticated yet simple style,her dishonesty is quite obvious. AFter reading the book, I was left feeling sad for a young girl ( too young to write a memoir) who has not lived in the secular world long enough to call herself Un- anything, other than unstable. She presents a very one - sided view of larger picture . And many details in the book as well her media tour can be proven as blatant lies. Her fame, like most, is temporary, and I hope that one day she will find a balance . Of course this book will vindicate anyone who has left the fold and still seems bitter about it, but many who have left the fold find her own lies offensive. Kitty. Yes- she IS a rebel- but does one deserve an award for that? In her very first chapter she brags about how "creative " she was with telling a lie ( the mouse) .I cannot respect a book laced with many facts that could be proven wrong. Her memoir means HER view of things, but the way she is packaging the book is false. And Moshe- I ache for you. GET HELP. GROW BALLS. You don't like it? Change it. and Deborah need to stop blaming a community for your poor decisions. You want better education? Go get it! B

Kitty Hundal said...

Anonymous coward 1.

Who has proven that she is lying? Or is this just a smear you spread about her anonymously so that you can't be sued for libel?

If you were telling the truth, why hide your identity?

Kitty Hundal said...

Anonymous coward 2.

Ditto my comments to Anonymous coward 1. Why are you posting anonymously?

Her "dishonesty" as you allege was certainly not obvious to me.

Do you have any evidence to share with us?

Criticism is frequently offensive to those being criticized. That doesn't mean that one should never criticize with an eye to making things better.

Anonymous said...

Commenting on a blog anonymous is not really a coward.Most people comment this way.

Some examples of DF lies-

In some interviews she gave she says that she never went to a doctor or put on the seat belt becuase she was told that g-o-d will protect her.

Lie, that's not how children are raised in the hassidic community.
She is not trying to tell her personal story. She is saying that yes its her personal story but whatever she experienced is how it is in the community in general.

She claims that girls graduate witha 4th grade level reading. Lie, lie, lie

She says women cant eat in restaurants.
Lie lie lie

Kitty Hundal said...

Are you a member of the Hasidic community who has left or one who remains?

Your experience may not be her experience since even in many fundamentalist groups like this one people's experience varies.

Some are more liberal and some are less liberal.

How do you know that she isn't describing situations that she is aware of?

Just because they may not match your experience doesn't mean they are lies.

And many people do identify themselves when commenting in blogs so I have to wonder why you won't.

Anonymous said...

Kitty,
Let me clarify this for you. There are some in the Chassidic community that made it their mission to portray Deborah Feldman as a nut case. Because if they didn’t, the jig is up and they are exposed.
The chasssidic community (which I am still a part of) had similar issues when it came to many problems. For example when it comes to pedophilia they are hiding it and ambush anyone that speaks up against it (i.e. Rabbi Nuchem Rosenberg www.nochemrosenberg.blogspot.com ).
When it comes to teachers in the schools, they are the ONLY community in the WORLD where it takes ZERO qualifications to be a teacher. No high school diploma, no degree and no experience, hence the big numbers of abuse.
I can go on and on and on but there is no point, they will just lie straight thru their teeth and tell the whole world that “She “ is lying
This is what we call CHUTZPAH!
I will gladly debate any intelligent conversation on this blog with anyone

Anonymous said...

Kitty,
Let me clarify this for you. There are some in the Chassidic community that made it their mission to portray Deborah Feldman as a nut case. Because if they didn’t, the jig is up and they are exposed.
The chasssidic community (which I am still a part of) had similar issues when it came to many problems. For example when it comes to pedophilia they are hiding it and ambush anyone that speaks up against it (i.e. Rabbi Nuchem Rosenberg www.nochemrosenberg.blogspot.com ).
When it comes to teachers in the schools, they are the ONLY community in the WORLD where it takes ZERO qualifications to be a teacher. No high school diploma, no degree and no experience, hence the big numbers of abuse.
I can go on and on and on but there is no point, they will just lie straight thru their teeth and tell the whole world that “She “ is lying
This is what we call CHUTZPAH!
I will gladly debate any intelligent conversation on this blog with anyone

Anonymous said...

Just to add a point,

I can bring you hundreds of people STILL in the community that will back up 90% of what she said (while the other 10% sounds just about right, but cant prove it).

Let them take 5 point of this book they say is a lie, and i will gladly discuss it in length and back it up

Kitty Hundal said...

Thank you Moshe. I tend to agree with you. Just calling someone a liar or claiming that they are lying doesn't mean that they are.

I will try to remove the moderation on this blog post so that you and others can post freely without having to wait for me to review and put them through.

It's a spam prevention measure but I will be at work during the week and won't be able to put posts through until the evening.

Best wishes,

Kitty

Anonymous said...

OH DONT LOL it will be a mess. this is not life or dead issues that we cant wait till nighttime

they will flood this post and it will become a free for all

Kitty Hundal said...

Okay I've removed my comment moderation.

Everyone is free to debate openly and freely and your comments will now display immediately.

I would appreciate it if things remained respectful.

Best wishes to all,

Kitty

Kitty Hundal said...

Moshe. Free for alls are a good thing sometimes ;-D.

Free speech and open debate on issues are critical under these circumstances.

Best wishes,

Kitty

Kitty Hundal said...

And being a rebel is a good thing :-D

Laurel Kornfeld said...

Amen, being a rebel most certainly IS a good thing. And calling rebels "crazy" is a common reaction by many communities to non-conformists. Some people say it's easier to go along with the sheeple than to question everything, but for us rebels, doing the sheeple thing is just not possible. I decided I hated money at age 11, and I've been a political activist since 17. I feel like I've waited my whole life for the Occupy movement. When will societies learn that diversity, including individual diversity, is good? Rebels and non-conformists have been persecuted for centuries, from Socrates to Galileo. Yet we are the artists, the creators, the inventors, the people who first dare to think differently.

Kitty Hundal said...

Beautifully put Laurel and I agree completely.

Anonymous said...

I am not sure how such a prestigious publisher like Simon & Schuster would publish such a book based one persons word with no factual backing defaming a whole religious community as a matter of revenge for her admittedly unhappy life, because of her family troubles.

Kitty Hundal said...

It was published as a personal memoir. The fact that some are taking personally has nothing to do with this fact.

She is Full of it said...

The fun is about to begin it seems the family is fighting back and are serious about it check this out

http://www.tlj-news.com/2012/02/28/deborah-feldman%E2%80%99s-family-on-the-verge-of-filing-a-lawsuit-against-simon-schuster/

Kitty Hundal said...

Well I doubt they have grounds.

She's entitled to her opinion and no-one other than she can determine what her experience was and what it meant to her.

Sad to see her family being so vindictive when she actually wrote about them quite kindly.

In fact, when she was talking about close friends and family even her critiques were quite gentle and you could sense the loss she was feeling knowing that she would lose those relationships if she moved on.

Anonymous said...

It is quite interesting to see how the community is responding to her. They have tried to talk about anything and everything BUT the issues she brings up.

Its a secret to no one that whatever she wrote actually happens in here and no one can deny it.

Can you imagine out of over 200,000 Frum families in NY there is nbot one man or woman that is willing to go debate her on TV or be a guest on live TV and oppose it?

By making fun of her and calling her names, you just make her point of view stronger

Kitty Hundal said...

Moshe, It's always easier for those who have no case against someone to malign, smear and discredit them personally and professionally than it is for them to deal with the facts.

Usually because they have no case in the first place.

That's why they take the personal vendetta approach.

And taking that approach is what exposes their own dishonesty.

Personally I think this is very sad.

Netherland said...

I really enjoyed this book. Deborah is a brilliant, and I admire her ability to overcome such odds to bring her to where she is today. Learning about this culture was eye opening and i must admit it made me really angry. Once again men made up these so called ways of God, to keep complete control over women. This is a great book, and I hope to read more books of hers in the future.

Albert Howard said...

Well written review on 'UNORTHODOX' Kitty!

Anonymous said...

As for the now dispelled claim of murder and cover-up, Feldman downplays it: “I do not state that his father murdered him. I relay a conversation that I had with my husband, showing that my mind went to a certain conclusion and stating that my husband urged me not to jump to conclusions.”
However, in an interview with The Jewish Week shortly before the book’s publication, Feldman was more strident in her accusations about the matter, insisting that her brother-in-law was “the first on the scene” and that the Satmar EMT’s director covered up the matter out of fear that a “full-scale investigation” could affect ongoing lawsuits, including the community’s fight “for the right to have an independent village with funding from the state.”
She also told The Jewish Week that the dead boy’s father is “notorious in the community for being a lunatic.”

Anonymous said...

The issue here isn't that she's outright lying (although there are most definitely a few inaccuracies [which for some reason the secular media is "OK" with because this is labeled a memoir. Similar to Mike Daisey's defense of his monologue on Apple under the pretense of "theater"] that have been proven on numerous outlets that I won't enumerate here). No, the greater issue is the clever twisting and bending of her experiences to explicitly make the religious world look evil.

She paints herself in the book as a sweet innocent victim that as a child had little knowledge of the world around her, and oh how oppressed she was. Fact is, she read a lot, and if you speak to people that know her personally (which I have) you will in fact see that she was very well versed in the four letter words of our language, as well as the "birds and the bees".

No, it's not outright lies that outrages people, it's the fact that she can twist something as beautiful as family purity, and make it sound filthy and disgusting. Once she starts going down that road, it becomes increasingly obvious that this isn't just a coming of age tale, where the protagonist wants to share her experience. Uh-uh. Not even close. This is a story of one pissed off motherf*cker that wants to see every last religious person PAY for their beliefs. She wants to make us suffer. Why else would she then post various completely unrelated stories about the orthodox world on her Facebook page? Stories that do not involve her one iota.

To drive the last point home further, on her Tumblr page someone had once pointed out a contradiction related to her past by pointing to the Chabad world. Her response was that she is not affiliated with Chabad. A few weeks later, there was a scandalous news story involving Chabad. You bet your sweet a$$ she posted that on her Facebook page!!

So you see, this isn't just a person relating her past. No. This is an (unfortunately) intellectual individual with good writing skills with a personal Vendetta. How else do you expect the religious world to react?

Rachel said...

I am from a more liberal Chassidic Community. Actually Chabad. Now I have no problem with Deborah rebelling against her repressive community. However if you go on her FB page, there is nothing but all negative articles. There are good ppl in that community, there are many many good organizations that they provide and are very into chesed and helping one another. Deborah did poke fun at the larger orthodox customs, that are observed by the most modern orthodox women such as going to the Mikvah. This is a very sacred and special Mitzvah which actually is extremely beneficial to us empowering women. Sorry she felt otherwise, she wasnt taught properly by the satmar community.

chassidishe bachur said...

lets dissect deborahs claims one at a time in a very candid manner, although starting with deborahs family history would be best, because it would give us some insight into the world she was raised in. Deborah was brought into this world by two orthodox jews, her father had some sort of mental illness and her mother obviously has problems of her own that led her from orthodox judaism to being a (lesbian) atheist,
1) deborah claimed in her memoir that she was abandoned by her mother as a toddler, although pictures have surfaced of them together when deborah was seven, one of the points that many news sites use to question deborahs integrity .
2)deborah claims she was sent to the satmar girls school, although she is pictured in the third grade class of adas yereim vien in williamsburg, which is on of the most liberal scool in williamsburg,which is another issue that questions the integrity of the writer.
3)lets not overlook the fact that deborah makes no note of the fact that her mother actually raised another daughter, which deborah later claimed she did not mention her because she is still a minor(?????), although tis destroys the whole sob story background deborah worked so hard to portray. By omitting these important facts, deborah successfully distorted history to suit her psychotic needs (i.e. attention, sympathy, friends etc.).
4)deborah falsely accuses a hassidic father of cutting off his sons penis and slitting his throat to (atone,punish?) for masturbating. coroner reports prove that it was a suicide. where does deborah take the guts to accuse people with no basis to her accusations? deborah later commented that she can only say that she wrote it as her ex-husband said it was believed in the hassidic community. let me quote (with the help of copy & paste) from deborahs blog on tumblr and found on her website,
“I can only be responsible for the things I write. I cannot be responsible for what reporters write. Misunderstandings, misinterpretations, and just plain getting the facts wrong is common in journalism. But anything I sign my name to, I will stand by.” i believe deborah violated this.
5)neighbors remember deborahs mother taking her to the public library on fridays, unlike what deborah claims that she had to sneak books etc...
6) court papers prove her mother divorced when deborah was 15-16, and her mother claims (in a review on her lawyers page, long before the release of the book [which gave her no reason to lie]) that she lived whith the kids until then. due to all this, i believe that the daily news dubbing of deborah the hassidic james fray is quite accurate, and unorthodox is more of a novel than a memoir.

Kitty Hundal said...

Thank you @Albert Howard. Much appreciated.

Kitty Hundal said...

@Anonymous (why don't you use your name?)

"No, the greater issue is the clever twisting and bending of her experiences to explicitly make the religious world look evil."

Re: the above comment. Frankly I think the religious world does a very good of making themselves look bad on their own. They don't need anyone's help.

I read Deborah's book and saw a woman who was growing out of the life she had grown up in and left it with mixed feels.

It is a personal memoir. Neither you nor anyone else can control or tell her how she felt or interpret her world for her.

The incidents that some of you are so angry about were not stressed or given any significant importance in the book. They were simply mentioned as part of her experience.

I have to wonder why this has elicited such outrage and extreme claims.

Few of which can be justified when one actually reads her book.

Kitty Hundal said...

Thank you all for your interesting input into this controversial story.

I apologize for the delay in posting them to the blog. I moderate this blog to control the spam.

I work during the day and post the comments in the evening.

Best wishes,

Kitty